I’m writing about my medication, Lithium. My doctor and I are tapering me off lithium. I’m currently on Abilify injectable, Lamictal, and Lithium for bipolar disorder. We went from 1200mg of lithium to 900 about six months ago. Now we are lowering it down to 600mg, intending to eliminate it from my medications altogether. The main reason is the health side effects. Mainly the metabolic consequences, such as weight gain. But also, it’s hard on the kidneys and thyroid. I’m nervous that coming off it will trigger mania or depression. But I fear mania most. I haven’t slept great the last two nights since lowering the dose. That being said, I also consumed caffeine late in the day, so that might have more to do with my fitful sleep than the lithium changes. 

I fear mania, but I also miss it. I miss the freedom, power, and energy. It’s mad to say I miss the mania, but I guess what I miss is being a fully functioning human. More than that, I miss being a high-functioning human. I miss hypomania. Hypomania leads to mania, though. And the freedom, power, and energy turn into incarceration, powerlessness, and depression. If I could have the freedom, power, and energy without the inhibitions, that would be perfect. Calling it inhibitions is a tame way to describe my life-wrecking actions. When manic, I actively burn my life to the ground. The freedom to do whatever you want with no regard for the consequences is a powerful feeling. But sooner or later it catches up with me. Then come jails, institutions, and death following me closely. 

I also miss being someone special. When I’m manic, I’m an archangel, a king, a messiah, a warrior prince, even God. When I’m stable, I’m just Bryan. Low-functioning Bryan. I barely have the motivation to shower and brush my teeth. Although I guess I don’t shower when I’m manic. Maybe by lowering my medications, I can get some energy and motivation back. I can hopefully be high functioning and stable. I need to know that I’m special even if it’s just as Bryan.