My psychiatrist, Luke, lowered my lithium dose from 900mg to 600mg. Since then, I’ve been struggling with depression and anhedonia. I just feel tired and numb. I’m not sure if it’s because of the reduction in lithium or if it’s because of a normal cycle in mood. Maybe it’s because my fun summer of guiding and fishing is over. But this feels chemical. Two people in Oasis just got into a fight, a screaming match, and I felt nothing. It’s like the volume of life has gotten muted. I feel foggy. Disconnected. I don’t feel suicidal, which is good. I just don’t feel. Maybe a touch angry, anxious, but mostly disconnected. Maybe a little suicidal. If I’m honest. No plan or real intention. I’m definitely lacking pleasure in what I used to find pleasure in. I guess I am depressed. I miss mania. I know that’s a dangerous mindset. I’m just tired of being numb, tired, and a lazy fucking piece of shit. Maybe I should give myself some grace.  How do you know if you’re being lazy and if you’re dealing with mental illness? I guess it can be both. If you’re depressed, the best advice is to do the things you don’t feel like doing. In some circles of psychology, they call it opposite action. Do the opposite of what you feel like doing. If you feel like not getting out of bed, get out of bed. Don’t feel like showering and brushing your teeth, shower and brush your teeth. Don’t feel like folding your laundry, fold your laundry. Don’t feel like going for a walk, go for a walk. I don’t feel like writing, but I’m writing. And the writing feels good.