What goes up must come down. I used to think that I didn’t have depression after mania. I have since learned that depression can take many different forms. It can mean deep sadness for some, but for others, it can mean numbness and anhedonia. It is also a lack of motivation, mental fog, guilt and shame, and a deep level of exhaustion. After my episodes, I experienced all of these symptoms. I thought it was due to being on strong medication, or maybe I just thought that was my baseline.

My most recent episode in 2024 was probably a mixed episode, and the depression I felt was not to be mistaken. It was a deep, dark, suicidal depression. I was in jail and thought I would be going to prison. My probation violation was just trespassing, trying to get help, and not getting help. My sick mind thought the worst, especially since the judge in Summit County was so harsh to me on my original conviction. But even after I got out of jail, the depression continued. Lithium really helped pull me out of depression. 

Anhedonia is the loss of interest in activities that I used to find pleasurable. I didn’t know that the numbness and anhedonia I felt were a part of depression. The difficult thing is that the medications I take for bipolar disorder also cause numbness. I often call it a flat line. I think the more official term is flat affect. It’s hard to determine what a good baseline should be. What I would like is to swing from hypomania to slight depression. But that is a dangerous game to play, since it can easily swing into full-blown psychotic mania or depression.