Let’s go back to the events of the most recent episode. The episode got into full swing in December 2023. My lack of sleep and breaking up with my girlfriend really set me off down the path of mania. I said some very hurtful things to her. I felt terrible for what I said. I tried to walk it back, but the damage had been done. So she gave me the cold shoulder and emotionally distanced herself from me. We were both hurting so badly. 

These terrible feelings made it hard to sleep. I also took a job in November, driving railroad engineers and conductors to, from, and along the railroad. I never knew my schedule and what my day would entail. My pay was shit too. I would go on call at 11:00pm, and often I didn’t get called until mid-morning the next day. The trip could be three hours to twelve plus hours. The trips also came in at 11:00pm, so getting a consistent sleep schedule was difficult. I would try to go to bed in the afternoon, but often I couldn’t fall asleep until night. If I could fall asleep at all. My sleep became short and inconsistent. Sleep is the most important part of my routine. If I can’t sleep, I go manic, and if I sleep too much, I get depressed. 

The day before New Year’s Eve, I went to Dutch John to work on my boat and take a break from my girlfriend. I had such strong feelings of guilt, shame, and mental anguish. I decided I would get loaded to numb my feelings. I drank to blackout, then drove home from my friend’s house. Not the smartest move. Luckily, I got home safe. 

The week before New Year’s, I contacted my therapist because I knew I was having problems. She counseled me to go to the ER if I got suicidal and/or homicidal.

The day of New Year’s Eve, I went back to my girlfriend’s. Things were really rough between us. I hurt her so badly. She left and broke up with me via text from the road. I don’t fault her for breaking up with me. Not even the fact that it was by text. I damaged her badly, and she barely had the strength to break up with me at all. Had she waited to have the strength to do it to my face, we would have lived in misery the rest of our lives.

I was so heartbroken. I just grabbed a couple of changes of clothes and left her place, leaving all of my belongings. I went to Dutch John bawling. My uncle and cousin were at their place in town, so they invited me there to help me cope. The pain was so severe. It was mixed with rage. Rage doesn’t describe the feeling. It was like I had all the terrible feelings at infinite levels. My thoughts of suicide and homicide got all-consuming. I took my seroquel, but the energy and feelings wouldn’t pass. I told my cousin about my thoughts and urges. I wanted to end my pain, even to end humanity. 

My cousin took me to the ER in Vernal. The hard part about the hospital is that they will not allow you to have a cigarette. When I’m manic like that, a smoke helps calm me down. I was so agitated that my cousin stayed with me all night. It took about 24 hours to find a bed at an acute psychiatric hospital. It was difficult waiting that long under the bright lights. I’m very sensitive to bright lights, and it is worse when I’m in an episode.

The Uintah County Sheriff’s Department came and transported me to Highland Ridge Mental Hospital in Salt Lake City. They put me in cuffs in the back of a cop truck. My mind kept thinking that the hospital was like a Zen temple, and this was a trial I had to go through to gain acceptance into the temple.