Having schizoaffective bipolar has made self-confidence very difficult for me. It feels like when things are going really well for me, some stressful situation will arise, and I have a manic episode. In the episode, I burn my life to the ground and have to rebuild from almost scratch. It causes me to question my abilities and my decision-making abilities. Plus, I am terrified of another episode. In the last episode, I was engaged in therapy and taking my medication, and yet it still happened. 

If I’m going to be honest, I have to say that I have had self-confidence issues since I was a child. Maybe I’m a person who just is naturally lacking self-confidence. The only time I don’t lack self-confidence is when I’m manic. When I’m manic, I have a grandiose self-image, and I can do no wrong. I suppose that is not self-confidence, that’s delusion. Big difference. 

I’m going to be kinder to myself, and I’m going to trust my decisions. I think this will help with my confidence. I am a capable and intelligent man when I’m stable. I have to live life cautious of mood swings, but not letting that caution turn to debilitating fear. I am striving to be humble and believe in myself. It’s a struggle, but that is life.