My cousin died. I was hypomanic but the feelings of loss, stress and grief set me over the edge. I got extremely manic and checked myself into the ER. I had all the symptoms; racing thoughts, spending sprees, rapid speech, risk taking, delusions of grandeur, so much energy, etc. I went to a small inpatient mental hospital in Logan, UT. Once I got in, I immediately wanted out, like I always do. They put me on abilify and I took it for a couple of days and was released. I was still very manic. The nurse realized this, but I somehow tricked the doctors, or they just didn’t care. 

I went back to work at the ski resort. I was working manically. I was constantly moving. At the resort when it was snowing we would sweep the chairs on the lift so people didn’t have to sit in snow. Rather than sweeping them I would smack them with my broom. It was more work and aggressive, it scared a lot of people but I didn’t give a shit. It released some of my manic angst. 

I skied a ton, taking a lot of risks. I skied terrain that was way above my ability level. One day I shadowed ski patrol, because I thought I was a better skier than I was. Needless to say, I didn’t get the job. I was rambling when I spoke, plus even with my increased energy levels I was not in as good of shape as the patrollers. 

One day I went to the downtown Park City region. I toured all of the art studios. It was a religious experience. When I’m manic, art is so much more appealing. It’s like the difference between black and white and high definition TV. The world just seems more vibrant when I’m manic. 

One time during my ski break at work I was skiing a bumps run full tilt and I ate shit very hard. I smacked my head on the ground. They sent me home. I went back downtown. I think the concussion triggered even worse mania. I was hallucinating and the paintings I saw started moving. After a while my pain got extremely bad. A nice gallery owner called the paramedics, while I cried in her bathroom with the lights out. 

The hospital checked me out and gave me some pain killers. Then they had a psychologist interview me, because I was behaving like a lunatic and they had just had me in for mania pretty recently. I got so mad at him, it didn’t help that it was a zoom interview. He determined that I needed to be committed. I remember scaring my Aunt very bad. They locked me in their “secure” room. I wanted a smoke so very bad. It’s a maladaptive coping mechanism, but when I’m manic it’s about the only one I have. They wouldn’t let me outside. So I put my fist through the wall and kicked the door off its hinges. I was heading for the door when a small older security guard got between me and the exit. I was very close to assaulting him. He was begging me to stop. For some reason I actually stopped. The cops showed up soon after. They charged me with criminal mischief, and took me to jail. In jail I was put in the psych cell. Like before its solitary confinement. 

This brings me to a topic I’ve wanted to address. I don’t know if the law has changed or if the treatment of the mentally ill has changed. When I was first diagnosed the authorities knew I was behaving manically and took me to the mental hospital. I did things back then that I should have caught charges for, but I didn’t because they realized I was sick. And after the hospital determined I wasn’t on any drugs they didn’t take me to jail. The authorities no longer get me treatment. The treatment I do get is mistreatment in jail. I think a few things have happened. The hospitals are understaffed and completely overwhelmed. They don’t want the liability of treating people who may be violent. They’ve changed the way they treat people, for the better, but they don’t use restraints as often as they used to. I’m assuming the hospitals have been sued for mistreatment of patients. So the mental hospital denies people coming from jail. This makes jails and prisons the defacto mental hospital. They don’t have the facilities or training to help mentally ill people heal. Maybe the reason they take me to jail instead of the mental hospital now is also due to my criminal record. These are just my theories based on my experience; I’m not sure the actual state of the mental health system. 

When the government closed the terrible and abusive insane asylums they didn’t setup the infrastructure for the people with mental illness. So the mentally ill turned to homelessness, jail or prison. The medicine is sometimes insufficient and outpatient services are not equipped to handle the severely mentally ill. The options for people like me are bleak. I’m lucky because I have a family who has supported me in my struggles. 

In my opinion there needs to be facilities for people who may be violent or coming from jail or prison. A higher level of care than the current mental hospitals. The criminal justice system often just makes mental illness worse, or triggers it. Also when someone discharges from the mental hospital they are sent straight into the community. Many people are not ready for this transition and need a facility that isn’t as high of a level of care. Kind of a step up process to transition into the community. This is why I checked into rehab after my last hospitalization. I needed to develop better coping skills, find a place to transition back into society, and get outpatient services to help prevent another episode.