I’ve been working more lately to try to make enough money to pay rent. The stress hasn’t yet caused an episode. My last hospitalization was triggered, partly, by overdoing it with work. It’s very difficult because I don’t know what the level of work will be that will lead to an episode. It’s more nuanced than how much work leads to an episode. There are so many other factors that contribute to a bipolar episode. Often, nothing causes an episode except that I have bipolar disorder. 

If you’ve read any of my memoir, you know why I’m so scared of a manic episode. They are truly life resets. And have nearly ruined me so many times. I have a severe and persistent mental illness, and I have to take it into consideration in a lot of my life decisions, from major life decisions down to whether I can work 24 hours in one week. I’m applying for SSDI, and it’s taking forever, and I’m so tired of barely getting by. It’s all well and good that you get back pay, but that doesn’t help in the meantime. 

I’m definitely in a catch-22 because if I work too much and cause an episode, I can ruin everything, and if I don’t work enough and end up homeless, that will probably cause an episode too. It may not be as dire as that. I’m just very vigilant because my last 2 episodes scared me. Because I was taking my medications as directed. In my last depressive episode, I was trying to do everything the mental health workers told me to do. But I guess sometimes I’m just going to have episodes.

The only way to know if it’s too much work is to work too much. Which seems kinda shitty. I’ll follow my WRAP plan and take some zyprexa and crash for a few days if I start going manic. If it causes a depressive crash, I’ll take it easy and do relaxing things I enjoy. If it gets really bad, I’ll go to the hospital. The hospital is just a tool, and if I need it, I need it.