I have a plan now. The clouds have lifted a bit. I decided to not do ECT at this time. I’m going to continue on the meds I’m on; try ketamine therapy for the depression. The ketamine can help with SI even though it’s not FDA approved for that. There is evidence that coupled with therapy it can help. The meds I’m taking are helping with my mania, and that’s the big risk for me. I’m just going to live with the side-effects. I don’t really have a choice. I’m going to give it some time and if the side effects don’t get better I may try ECT.

My plan has given me some hope and direction. I’m ready to get out though. The hospital is going to hold me for another two days to make sure I’m safe before they release me. I see why they are being cautious but being here is very triggering. Everything about a mental hospital is difficult from the fluorescent lights to the hallways to the nurse’s station and med window to the no outside time. I have been in my worst mental states in these facilities so it brings me back every time.

I’m ready but waiting. And that’s okay. I can be patient. I guess I am a patient.