Well I’m in the mental hospital. I’m on the front range. I got suicidal. After talking to some of my supports we determined it was best to check into the hospital. I’ve been off my meds for like 24 hours (because they couldn’t fill them right away) and I started feeling the blanket lift off my brain. It felt wonderful. Now I started back on the anti-psychotic and mood stabilizing meds; I can feel the blanket settling back in on my brain.

I’m in a lose-lose situation; the medications I take are so powerful and the doses so high I have a slew of side-effects and effects; weight gain, depression, fatigue, numb affect, and in general medicated feeling. This has led to feelings of despair, and hopelessness. I can’t do the things I love to do. I can’t even do the things I need to do.

I feel like death is the only way out. I can’t live with the meds and I can’t live without them. This is not a platitude, this is my reality. With no meds myself and others are in serious danger. If you read some of my manic memoir you can see how dangerous I can be. But I’m done just staying alive so as to not hurt others. Something’s gotta give because I’ve gotta live and this ain’t livin’.