The biggest trigger for me is stress from events that range from earth-shattering to common, even mundane. A recent event that comes to mind, as far as normal stress, is when a shuttle service on the river wrecked my truck. It was September 22nd, 2017. I only know the date because I have a picture of the wreck. I was guiding on the river that day. I don’t often remember specific trips down the river years after, but this one is ingrained in my mind because of the events after the river. Fishing was good that day. I had really pleasant clients. One was streamer fishing, and one was throwing lures with a spin rod. When the day was done and I came into the boat ramp at the end of the B section on the Green River, and the owner of the shuttle company was on the bridge overlooking the takeout. I saw him and knew something was very wrong. He said, “Something has happened to your rig. You’re just going to have to see it for yourself.” Now I was stressed. So we loaded up my boat on his truck and trailer, then headed to the scene of the accident. 

It was rolled into a ravine. The cops were everywhere. One of the sheriff’s deputies said, “We’re going to have to give you a littering citation.” He was trying to lighten the mood, but I was not amused. I went numb to all the terrible emotions I should have been experiencing. I bottled that shit up and pushed it way, way down. As I stood over the ravine my truck rolled into, I thought I hope the shuttle driver is okay. But mostly I thought of all the bad shit that could or would happen. I’ve learned this is called catastrophizing. The driver was okay, with minor injuries. She got really lucky. 

She lied and said she swerved out of the way of an antelope. I came to find out later that she dropped her drink and reached to grab it, lost control, and rolled into the ravine. She wasn’t supposed to be working, so she was terrified social security would find out and cancel her benefits. 

A lot of the catastrophic scenarios in my head were really trying to come true. I was worried about my livelihood, mostly. I couldn’t work without a truck and a trailer to pull my drift boat. There was a problem right off the bat with insurance. The shuttle company’s insurance wouldn’t cover it. Therefore, the claim had to go through my insurance. My insurance was a personal policy, and I was using it commercially; therefore, my insurance almost didn’t cover me. Luckily, my adjuster ignored this and took care of me. 

I faced another hurdle because getting an older Sequoia that would be in as good of condition mechanically would take almost $3,000 in mechanical work. The insurance company only gave me enough money to replace the truck, not enough to make one in as good of condition as mine. My boss and the shuttle company owner gave me the money to make up the difference. This was a stressful time for me. It would be stressful for anyone. But not everyone completely loses touch with reality when stress happens. It affects them, sure, but they don’t end up in New Mexico jail doing terrible things.