At this time in Purgatory jail they housed the mentally ill with the pedophiles. That is a really good idea, put the people who think they are the messiah in cells with people who molest kids. What’s the worst that could happen? Somehow I didn’t get into any fights. I wanted to murder so many of those inmates. The public defender I received got the judge to deem me incompetent to stand trial due to my mental illness. The not guilty by reason of insanity plea is not used very often because it is a hard case to win and a lot of times you end up in the state mental hospital longer than you would go to prison for. Since I was deemed incompetent I was transferred to the state hospital in Provo. I spent a few months in the state hospital getting stabilized on medications and getting evaluated and deemed competent. 

While I was at the state hospital I got meaningful advice from a psychologist, I’m not sure if he was real. When he came into the unit no one acknowledged him. I asked the attending psychiatrist about him and she didn’t know anything about him. He stated to me, “Don’t become defined by the diagnosis. It’s for insurance. Use the diagnosis to get the help you need.” I’ve come to realize that these diagnostic criteria for health conditions are just so we can better understand and treat the condition. I definitely find myself being defined by my mood disorder. However, it is a characteristic of me, not me. Everyone is trying to figure out life, just stumbling our way through. A man with severe mental illness and substance abuse like myself not just stumbling through but face planting, getting back up, dusting myself off, and healing from the injuries. Unfortunately I keep falling down. My bipolar is a reset button on life. The game doesn’t start from where I left off. I have to restart from the beginning, I haven’t been able to completely save my game. 

This episode was definitely a reset button for me. I was even in a completely different state. Once I was stabilized at the hospital I was transported back to Purgatory. Around this time I decided I wanted to pursue a career in Math education. I wanted to teach high school math. I didn’t know how difficult this would be but I was motivated. I had a desire to improve my life and the lives of others. Getting my degree was the biggest accomplishment I have ever achieved. A bachelors in mathematics education was so much more difficult than I thought it would be. 

The DA offered me a plea bargain dropping my felony to a misdemeanor. It also included one year bench probation, meaning that it would not be supervised with Adult Probation and Parole. Basically, just don’t fuck up. That’s the end of my 2009 episode.