I lost a friend today to suicide. What a terrible thing. And to think, I’ve been the one who has made attempts on my life. I’ve been the one who tried to make people feel the way I feel right now. I cried a few times. I usually don’t cry right away when someone I care about dies. But I cried today. Not much, but I can’t cry much. I just don’t have the ability. It was beat out of me. Like many men in my generation. I was taught to; Tough it out, walk it off, don’t be a pussy, don’t be a crybaby. I was a sensitive boy and would cry frequently. But conditioning turned that into anger. And that anger was turned against others. But I digress. 

Losing loved ones is so very difficult. It is a type of stress that will cause episodes. I have lived through the deaths of loved ones and not had an episode, though. I guess that’s not entirely true. I didn’t have an episode immediately. Maybe since I process death so slowly, I didn’t address the grief until a few years after, and whatever stressful events in my life, coupled with the loss of a loved one, set me off on a path of manic destruction. Sometimes I feel I’m trying to figure out and explain the unexplainable. I get manic and depressive episodes mainly because I have bipolar disorder. But stress and loss certainly don’t help. And my mind wants a reason for these debilitating episodes that cause me to behave terribly.  

I miss my friend. I didn’t know he was struggling. He was there for me when I was struggling with my depressive episode recently. I felt strongly that I needed to give him a call, and I didn’t. It eats me up. I’ve been told he wasn’t answering his phone, but maybe I could have gotten through. It still makes me sick to my stomach. I can’t change the past, but moving forward, I can reach out to people when they are on my mind. Give your loved ones a squeeze for me.