One night, I was watching a live-action VHS of Christ appearing to the people in the Americas. I got so into this story that it drew me in physically. At least I thought so. It was so real. I was in the crowd. Standing in the rubble caused by the earth mourning the death of Christ. I remember Jesus teaching about the sacrament and ordaining twelve disciples to lead the people of the Americas.

I often find it hard to balance the contradictory nature of having a chemical imbalance in my brain and the fact that I was having visions I felt were from God. This is still a struggle. I have realized that a spiritual experience doesn’t have to be mutually exclusive to mental illness. We can not know God, and the brain is so very complex. I think that mental illness might be someone who has a sensitivity to the supernatural. I think this conduit to things beyond comprehension can be influenced by both good and evil. 

I think many cultures have realized this link and train these people to become the spiritual leaders of their communities. One tactic for people to become trained in these sensitivities is for them to spend a lot of time alone in the wilderness, connecting to the source of these spiritual experiences. Call it whatever you want: God, Brahmin, the higher self, whatever it is. Like Jesus spending 40 days and nights in the wilderness. I think many, many prophets and mystics could be categorized as mentally ill in today’s society. 

Then again, maybe these thoughts are just my mental illness making me think, again, that I’m not sick, I’m special. In all actuality, my brain doesn’t function right, and I have a terminal illness that is treatable. For me to live and function in this modern world, I need medications, therapy, and routine. Otherwise, I will completely lose touch with reality. There’s a culture that says you should be kind to the insane because they are not with us, they are with God. I realize the dichotomy of these two seemingly opposite ideas. I suppose this is a way for me to reconcile my spiritual experiences with my madness.