At the writing of this post I am 557 days sober from alcohol. Like most with bipolar I have alcohol use disorder. According to National Institutes of Health 40-70% of people with bipolar I and II have comorbidity with alcohol use disorder. Like so many things with this illness alcohol use is both a symptom and a cause of mania and depression. It’s easy to say but to realize it in the moment of despair is much more difficult.

When I’m hypomanic I drink to calm down. It helps me sleep. It slows my racing thoughts. But I need more and more and more alcohol to calm down. I don’t sleep I pass out and I don’t get quality sleep. The thoughts are slow when I’m drunk, but they come back with a vengeance when I sober up.

When I’m depressed I also drink heavily. It numbs the pain. The despair and hopelessness I feel, feels less when I’m drunk. Mania makes more sense to treat with a depressant than depression. It’s counterintuitive that I want to drink when I’m depressed.

In my mania and depression I feel like drinking helps. It appears that the alcohol helps the symptoms but upon further review it makes them worse. It pours fuel on the fire. The more I drink the more manic or depressed I become. In psychotic mania I no longer have much of a desire to drink. The mania itself becomes the drug. And I have to have it, even though it literally destroys me and those I love. My bipolar is deadly serious.